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Rontamak
03-11-2004, 02:56 AM
The Sentinel
As the sturdy man on the white Steed came to a skidding halt, a shrill shriek was heard leagues behind. The man was but only Twenty years of age but even he recognized the shriek as a call of pain, daylight was hastily falling the man knew he must take action soon or his efforts would be in vein. The horse took off in a bolt of speed towards the cry it’s glistening muscles rippling with each stride, As the man and his horse got closer and closer to the dying cry the young Paladin was knocked clear off his horse with an arrow protruding from his breastplate, the well trained warrior was quick to get back to his feet and take a fighting stance, he knew if he did not act quickly his wife could be in great danger. The Paladin seen a glint of steel from the corner if his eye and was quickly to knock down the speeding arrow, he now knew where his foe lye, As the man let out a loud ear piercing whistle his horse bolted out of site and left the man to fight this battle alone and unaided. The man broke into a sprint towards a nearby tree, something was not right… and he knew it, as he stood under the cover of the towering tree he seen the sign he was looking for, another man dressed in a long blood red robe, he was standing an a large clearing of trees, he looked to be entranced, The well trained warrior crept through the willows with stealth until he was only yards from the mysterious man. He made a leap at the man but it was only an illusion, and a trap as he hit the ground a dozen or more Elven archers formed a circle around him almost in perfect unison they drew arrows from there quiver and pointed them right at the young Paladin. An older woman approached dressed in a cape with what seemed to be many sharp blades on her dark black cape, She introduced herself as





Im a newbie to writing so please give me tips

downwhere
03-11-2004, 03:55 AM
Where's the part about the maphack?

Vaulander
03-11-2004, 10:29 AM
Pretty okay so far, re-read before posting to catch typos and other things, and you should do fine.
Cheers!
V.

LaughingSkull
03-11-2004, 11:48 AM
It is almost the same as the beginnig of Bread_Master's "Behind Enemy Lines" :(

chiral
03-11-2004, 03:10 PM
you should divide the story into shorter sentences.
also try not to use the same word too much.
other than that it is not bad.

Kinjal
03-13-2004, 11:54 PM
Id say give the character a name. And a brief intro before. You cant always get away with saying "A well trained warrior". I used to play in alot of "Play by Email Rpgs" . And i always gave a short description that led into my story line. Also take him on a journy you cant just say as the man was walking he heard a shriek. Say something like " Kinjal was entering his towns gates as he heard a loud shriek blah blah blah" Or something ot the effect "As he went to lay his head down". So it gives the reader a sort of lead-in on what the character was previously doing. Since everyone needs a motive for something.

blaine.
03-14-2004, 10:39 AM
I agree with Kingal... give him a name. You don't have to say "his name was..." just have the lady ask "what is your name," or something like that. and your story has a scary resemblance to bread_master's "Behind Enemy Lines."

Kinjal
03-14-2004, 04:43 PM
Well as blaine said if you need an idea how to bring his name into it. You could bring it in out of no where at all. You can simply say. "It was a cold night in the town of blah blah as Kinjal's stallion brought him in slowly with his wolf companion at his side." Just make it more exciting. The more you give to the reader the better it is. Its better to start a story out with the boring stuff of the character so the reader understands and will continue reading the story. If you slam something in their face the plot will be given so fast your story will be over very soon. If i pick up a book and i cant follow it for the first couple chapters. I either throw the book onto myshelf or give it to a friend. Maybe ill pick it up later -_-. But i think its more professional and more clear if you explain everythingin GREAT detail. And while your at it, grab every writers tools. A dictionary and a thesarus. I cant tell you how much each of these have helped me.

AntarcticToilet
03-20-2004, 09:18 PM
Lots of detail I like it