Treacherous Charity [Short Fiction Work]

[Wonderboy]

[Wonderboy]

[kyle_san]

Wow! was not expecting that. I think your story is great. Personally I would cut out some of the extra adjectives such as;

The people, clumsy and drunken with wine - id take out clumsy just because i figure drunken with wine is enough

stuff like that

also personally i think you should remove the parenthesis they would still work. and having them there just look really wierd

THe third paragraph where they jump out of the horse is the best LOved the part that said where they said opted to start the killing! haha.

what grade level are you writing for just wondering?

-also im n00b at writing take what i say with a grain of salt because youre light years ahead of mee <3

[WhenPeonsAttack]

Pretty good

[kyle_san]

i read the last part symbiotes to our body and i think you mean like they are attached like the sword and their arm are one. am i right? i saw your post in the other thread and i think it would sound better as symbiotes with our body

$0.02

[LaughingSkull]

Your writing was a good exercise in eloquency of prose. You've shown that you are a good wordsmith.
However, you'll have to be more moderate for your future writings.

[TaysChreNN]

Yeah, slightly too verbose for my tastes - also I'm not sure if it was intentional but there are quite a few alliterations that don't seem to contribute to the story's fluidity.

Other than that, cool story bro.

[Wonderboy]

I have this habit of dropping alliterations and slant or pure rhymes all over my writing, but I guess that's not a good habit to have. Which is the better version, the first or second?

[Tanfie]

honestly, i like it.

[Questic]

I liked how you reveal what's truly happing at the very end. Or was I the only where it didn't click until I was a good deal into it?